The Melancholy of Oz Complete Version
by Torint-kun
Summary: On a dreary fall morning, the SOS Brigade finds themselves in an oddly familiar version of Oz.


The Melancholy of Oz

by Noah Heinrich

Chapter 1

It had started out like any other day at North High School. Class, class, lunch, sports, class. If you were to ask almost any student, they would have told you that it was the most uneventful day of the year, with one exception. The Film Appreciation Club had a showing of a timeless American classic after school: _The Wizard of Oz._ Most people who decided to attend had already seen it. Most people in the world have seen it, in fact. There was one person in the audience on that cloudy fall day who had not seen it. She hadn't even heard of it; how she managed to do that is an altogether bizarre tale for another time. When the boring black and white film suddenly exploeded into a beautiful land beyond the rainbow, she was the only one who was surprised. Her typical pout slowly faded away as Dorothy and her companions made their way to the Emerald City, to be replaced with a look of rapt concentration, punctuated with gasps of wonder. She even appreciated the dated and silly music that the characters sang. Suzumiya Haruhi had never seen _The Wizard of Oz_; the world would have been a better place had things stayed that way.

Kyon gave a deep sigh of resignation as Itsuki Koizumi put down the bishop to the right of his king, thus trapping it in between the waiting knight and queen. "Checkmate" said Koizumi with a knowing grin, a grin that said, "I'm smarter than you could ever hope to be… not to rub it in or anything". Then again, it was rare that the young man ever had any other facial expression.

_Somehow, his politeness about it is worse than if he gloated._

Sadly placing another X on the scored card, the forty-fourth so far, Kyon looked around the SOS Brigade/Literature Club club room. The clouds were thick in the air, which gave the plain old room a monotonous appearance. The only source of color was Mikuru Asahina's bright blue maid outfit, and even that had faded to a sort of grey.

Kyon suddenly got up, startling Mikuru visibly. "Sorry to scare you Asahina-san" said Kyon hurriedly. "I'm just wondering where Suzumiya is. It's been two hours now".

"Suzumiya-san has always come and gone as she pleases", replied Koizumi, "but I understand your uneasiness. This day has been… ominous."

Kyon looked at his classmate. Koizumi didn't look like much, but he was an esper after all. A boy gifted with psychic powers; not only that, an agent of an entire organization of espers.

_Until I met Haruhi Suzumiya, I would never have believed myself_.

"She's coming", said Yuki Nagato, without looking up from her book. Kyon didn't know exactly how she knew what she knew. Nagato seemed to know everything. Kyon didn't know if that was from reading so much, or if she was just made that way.

_Best not to delve too deeply in these matters._

The door flew open wildly as Haruhi fulfilled Nagato's prophecy. "SOS Brigade! Roll call!"

_Does she always have to do this?_

"You're the one who is late, Suzumiya", growled Kyon, under the cover of three statements of "present".

Though she could not have possibly heard, Haruhi glared angrily at Kyon. "Wipe that stupid look off your face! We have a mission!"

"Wha-"

Haruhi didn't let Kyon begin his question. "We're going to find the other side of the rainbow!"

Silence greeted the SOS Brigade's fearless leader. Everyone could tell from the shining in her eyes that she was utterly serious. Haruhi whirled to turn her glare on Nagato. "What could you be reading at a time like this?"

Nagato wordlessly lifted her book, and showed no surprise at Haruhi's shout of delight. "They made it into a book? That's great!"

Kyon peered over Haruhi's shoulder. The cover read, _ザウィザルドオフオズ。__The Wizard of Oz._

_So that's what's gotten into her this time._

"Um…" said Mikuru, wisely scared to address Haruhi. Kyon knew that her outfit was pure sexual misconduct on the SOS leader's part, he still could not get over how hot Mikuru looked in it. Everything about it drew the eyes to just the right places…

_Stop being a pervert!_

The fearful look on her face only added to her almost inhuman physical appeal. "Suzumiya-san… I don't think Oz is a real place."

Haruhi spun to face her subordinate with gale-force, knocking Mikuru to the ground from the sheer force of momentum and personality. "Don't say such things! The SOS Brigade's duty is to search for and locate alternate worlds and universes!"

_What happened to finding aliens, espers and time travellers?_

"Think about it!" continued Haruhi. "Munchkins, witches, wizards, flying monkeys… how cool would that be! It would be a perfect place to set up a branch office for the Brigade."

Kyon cast a sidelong look at Koizumi, who shrugged helplessly.

"This world is so boring anway. Now Oz… that is a place worth living."

Coming out of any mouth besides that of Haruhi Suzumiya, those words would be silly, cute at the very best. However, words spoken by Haruhi Suzumiya should never be taken lightly. Kyon sidled over to Nagato in the corner, as Suzumiya continued to rant at Mikuru and Koizumi.

"Nagato-san… don't you find those words dangerous?"

The blue-haired girl turned the page. "Any words spoken by Haruhi Suzumiya can alter reality. It has been speculated in the past that works of creative genius create parallel universes. It is not beyond the realm of probability that Haruhi Suzumiya has created several realities after processing novels and movies." All this in monotone.

_Then it shouldn't be too bad… but I've never seen Suzumiya this worked up over a movie before. I mean, she loved _The Dark Knight_, but we haven't been attacked by The Joker. Why should I worry? Is there a draft in here?_

"Yes, Oz is most definitely the very best place for the SOS Brigade!" concluded Harhui triumphantly. She looked towards Kyon and Nagato. "Don't you…"

Very few things could render Haruhi speechless. One of those things was a tornado.

"A tornado?! In Japan?"

"There have been no recent unusual atmospheric condictions until three seconds ago."

"There isn't supposed to be a tornado in this area for at least fifty years!"

"Suzumiya-"

Whatever Koizumi had been about to say was cut off as the world turned upside down.

Kyon was woke up to the sound of howling winds and a ringing in his ears. Without getting up, he surveyed the SOS Brigade Clubhouse. The lights had gone out, and all he could see was what was probably Suzumiya Haruhi gazing intently out the window.

The ringing in his ears grew louder, overpowering all sounds. Shutting his eyes tight, Kyon covered his ears, hoping to make the brain piercing noise stop. Which, eventually it did, only to be replace with something only slightly better.

_We at the Organization have been observing Suzumiya Haruhi for several years now. Through our constant monitoring, in conjunction with the appearances of pockets of alternate reality, we have concluded that Suzumiya Haruhi is the most powerful thing on the planet, perhaps the entire universe. In fact, some within the Agency have speculated that the universe itself was recreated into the form it is now by Suzumiya in a fit of boredom. In other words, it is not outside the realm of possibility that she is the entity known as God. She does not seem aware of this power, and its use appears to be subconscious. Therefore, we recommend keeping her entertained constantly, lest she destroy reality on a whim.._

The psychic voice of Itskui Koizumi faded away as Kyon drifted into unconsciousness once again.

"Kyon. Kyon! Wake up!"

Kyon reluctantly opened his eyes. He had been having such a pleasant dream too…

He looked up to see the smiling face of Haruhi Suzumiya. Kyon quickly sat up and looked around. The SOS Brigade's cubhouse was a wreck. What's more, it was empty save for him and Haruhi. However, Haruhi was by far the most shocking sight.

Her usual North High uniform had been replaced with a blue overall dress above a white and blue checkered blouse. She was also carrying a basket. Kyon found a pocket mirror on the ground next to him. He was wearing the same clothes he has been wearing when the tornado hit. Except for a red collar that hadn't been there before, and on his head was a pair of black, furry…

_DOG EARS?!_

Kyon knew what would happen when he opened the door. He knew about the quaint little village, the smiling faces, the beautiful woman, and the pair of feet that would be sticking out from underneath the door. He knew all that, and mentally prepared himself accordingly.

It didn't stop him from fainting into a crowd of cheering munchkins.

Chapter 2

"Kyon-kun! Wake up!"

The sound of his little sister's voice echoed into the dark chasm that was currently the brain of Kyon. Somewhere, the sound hit some vital spot or another. One that sent signals of comfort to every nerve in Kyon's body. A sign that he could relax. He was at home, in bed, and this whole mess was just a dream…

_Then why do I feel that breeze?_

Kyon reluctantly opened his eyes. As he expected, the grinning face of his sister was peering back at him. So far so good. He glanced downwards. His clothes were on. A bit unusual, but going to bed with your clothes on wasn't crazy. He glanced to the left. His sister again. He glanced to the right. His sister was there as well.

_Please don't tell me…_

Kyon lifted his head, and looked around. His sister was there.

_She's also there, and there, and there, and there, and there…_

There were dozens of her. No, hundreds.

_This is insane. This must be the worst dream I have ever had._

"Are you OK, Kyon-kun?" asked the sister closest to his right shoulder. Kyon glared furiously at her, as he usually did when she annoyed him. Then he kept staring. Something wasn't right… Kyon quickly stood up, accidentally bowling over three sisters as he did. He picked up the one who spoke and closely examined her.

Her hair was the same, so was her skin. Her clothes were outlandish, but that meant nothing at this point… There, her eyes were the wrong color.

Kyon dropped the one he was holding and stooped to examine another. This one had the right colored eyes, but the hair was a different shade, and two inches two long. He peered at a third. The hair and eyes were right, but her skin was more tan.

_What the…_

Kyon's thoughts were interupted by a muscular arm that wrapped around his throat. "It isn't polite to stare, Kyon!"

Kyon looked into the glaring face of Suzumiya Haruhi. "Wh-what's going on?"

Haruhi released her subordinate slightly before he was about to pass out. "Isn't it obvious? We're in Oz!"

The statement was echoed a hundred times over by the voice of Kyon's sister, a noise he could personally do with out. "But… why is my sister here? And why are there so many of you?!" The latter question was furiously aimed into the crowd of sisters, who returned fire with a massive salvo of identical giggles.

"I do not think you are related to any of the muchkins, Kyon-san" chimed a familiar, soft voice from behind. Kyon slowly turned around to see the oddly pleasing combination of sparkly pink and green.

"Kimidori-san?" gasped Kyon. The young girl was dressed in something that looked a bit like the North High School uniform, with the difference that it was pink and covered in bangles. Kimidori Emiri gazed calmly at Kyon from beneath her silver crown and green hair. "No, my name is Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. I was just thanking you and Suzumiya-san here for killing the Bad Witch of the East."

Kyon glance behind him. There stood a block of concrete that he assumed was the SOS clubhouse, somehow ripped out of the school building. He caught a glimpse of stockinged feet in front of the door. Kyon took a look at Suzumiya's feet. She had already put the ruby slippers on.

_What poor person is under there?_

"It was nothing Glinda! The SOS Brigade is always on the look out to help the innocent!" Haruhi half-shouted. "Now, tell me, which way to the Yellow Brick Road?" With this, she grabbed the sequined shoulders of Kimidori Emiri, who was clearly discomfitted by Haruhi. Most people were.

"The Yellow Brick Road? Why, what business would you have there?"

"We're off to see the wizard of course!"

Emiri nodded. "I see. And wh-"

The student/Good Witch was cut off by a familiar laugh. It was not unpleasant sounding, but it sent chills down Kyon's spine nonetheless. Terrible memories flashed onto his mental screen like some badly cut horror film. The flash of a knife, an oddly distorted universe, Nagato Yuki covered in blood…

_Don't tell me Suzumiya brought her back…_

Asakura Ryoko majestically floated down to earth astride a broomstick. She was clothed all in black, with a tall witch's hat on her head. On her face was a pleasant smile. If it was meant to set minds at ease, it was undercut by the terrified screams of Kyon's munchkin sisters.

"My my my, what happened here?" Ryoko said calmly. She leisurely walked over to the entrance of the SOS Brigade's headquarters. "Now, who is responsible for this mess? Glinda, was it you who dropped this room on my compatriot?"

Emiri met Ryoko's gaze with easy calm. "You know I wouldn't do such a thing, Bad Witch of the West. No, it was this young witch over here, Suzumiya Haruhi".

Haruhi stepped forward, chest outwards in what was clearly meant to be a brave stance. Kyon politely looked away.

"So, Suzumiya-chan. You did this? Oh, and I see you are wearing the ruby slippers. Be a dear and give them to"

Ryoko's request was cut short by the fist of Suzumiy Haruhi. The Bad Witch was propelled several feet backwards by the force of the blow. "I know that you can't touch me when I've got these shoes on!" said Haruhi with a smirk. "Now, I think I'll end this right now."

The force of Haruhi's punch was dampened by Kyon's grip, enough to prevent it from reaching the perfectly calm face of the Witch. There was still enough force to send the student cum dog to the ground. The breath was slammed out of his lungs as he hit the yellow brick on his back. Unperturbed by her sidekick's action, Haruhi vaulted over him and dashed at the now standing Ryoko, skirt flying about her.

This punch hit nothing but air, as Ryoko rose ten feet into the air, her black clothing swirling about like the tornado that started it all. "I see you have spirit, Haruhi-chan" chortled the witch. "But even that won't save you. I will have those slippers, one way or another. I will be watching you at all times, and when you get careless, nobody will be able to protect you, my pretty. Or your little dog." With that, Ryoko soared towards the West, leaving a stench of sulfur as she left.

Kyon was barely able to get up, and was knocked down again by the furious Haruhi. "Kyon! Why on earth did you do that? I had her right there!"

Kyon himself wasn't sure why he did what he did. He knew what Ryoko was capable of, even when she wasn't a witch. She was not even human, she was a murderous artificially created alien, who had attempted to kill Kyon for the sake of what was essentially a massive science project. Perhaps he still remembered the old Ryoko, the pleasant, kind class president. Or maybe he didn't want to see Haruhi become a murderess. Kyon didn't mention any of that in his explanation.

"If you killed the Wicked Witch of the West now, what would happen to the plot?"

On any truly rational person, this logic would be ineffective. However, Suzumiya Haruhi was anything but rational.

"Good point Kyon. You're not as dumb as you look. Now, Good Witch! Where's the Yellow Brick Road?"

Chapter 3

The sky was very blue. It was the blue of a sky that had never been marred by storm clouds. It seemed to Kyon that no sky was really that blue. It looked as if the sky had been colored in with sky colored magic marker: it was too sky blue to be thought of as a true sky. The same could be said of the powder white fluffy clouds, the big but mild yellow sun, and the perfectly green grass. Oz seemed to be a place constructed by a child; everything was idealized, free of the thousands of little imperfections that told the viewer that he was looking at something real.

Nothing exemplified this non-reality than the Yellow Brick Road. The bricks were all Yellow; not Mustard, not Lemon, not Saffron, not Amber, not School Bus Yellow or Golden Yellow or Tangerine Yellow. It was a perfect, dead on Yellow, with a capital Y. Each brick was an equilateral square, four inches by four inches. Not a single one that Kyon could find had a single chip or bump, and he had looked hard.

The trees were tall, with brown trunks and green leaves. The wind blowed steadily from East to West with absolutely no fluctuation in speed. Some sort of bird sang happily from the forest every few minutes. The wheat field to their right was a shoulder-high sea of golden-brown stalks swaying gently in the breeze. In short, everything was far to harmonious for Kyon to feel comfortable. In his experience over the last year, a period of calm usually signalled a coming storm.

He and Haruhi had been walking for about two hours, without a word exchanged. While Kyon had lagged behind, checking the scenery for possible traps, and attempting to find out if his new dog ears were removable, Haruhi had strode on ahead with a determination that was both adorable and somewhat intimidating. She looked as if she thought that she could make the Emerald City move closer if she won a staring contest with the road.

Suddenly, Kyon got the urge to ask Haruhi a question, one that had been tickling his head frim the first moment that he looked at Oz. "Suzumiya, did anybody back there look… familiar to you?"

Haruhi glanced back at him. "Of course they did. I saw them in the movie, didn't you?" she asked back.

Kyon persisted, knowing somehow that this was a pointless line of inquiry. "No. I mean, yes I did. What I meant was, did any of them look like someone that we know personally?"

Haruhi arched one perfect eyebrow, in a look that was clearly meant to call Kyon's mental health into question. Kyon wasn't quite sure of his sanity at the best of times, and it was certainly difficult whe confronted with a pair of dog ears that are gracing one's head. "Never mind. Suzumiya, have you ever—"

Before Kyon could finish his question, he heard a very polite and very familiar cough to his right. He and Haruhi both looked down the road, but saw nothing other than the yellow bricks, and the distant glimmer of the Emerald City. "I'm up here actually".

It was at this point when Kyon truly began to suspect that he was hallucinating. He thought he saw Koizumi Itsuki crucified by the side of the road, with a coal black crow on each shoulder. After closing his eyes and repeating to himself that it was a dream, and that nothing in real life would have so much symbolism, Kyon dared to look up. The polite smile-that-was-not-a-smile was still there, as well as the two birds, and Koizumi's crucifix pose.

"Ah, hello there. Good day to you."

"Hey Scarecrow" answered Haruhi. "What's up?"

Kyon walked behind Haruhi, and whispered, "What are you talking about? That's Koizumi up there." Haruhi gave him another look that implied that a straightjacket was in his near future.

"What are you talking about Kyon? Anyone could see that isn't Koizumi. Do you need your eyes checked?" Kyon took another look at the still grinning scarecrow. On closer inspection, it wasn't quite the person he knew. His hair was slightly more blond, the color of the surrounding wheat field. The skin of his face was also different. It was slightly darker, and looked rougher, as if it had been battered by the elements for several years. However, the face was still that of Koizumi Itsuki of North High.

"I don't suppose it would be too much trouble for you to help me down? I don't want to put you out of your way, but I'd like a chance to stretch" called down Koizumi from his post by the side of the road.

"Sure thing! Hold on," shouted Haruhi, as she ran towards the scarecrow. "Kyon, give me a hand here!" Kyon reluctantly joined Haruhi and braced himself against the pole, ignoring Koizumi's limp foot next to his head. With great effort, the pole gave way, sending the scarecrow crashing to the ground. He soon got up and brushed himself off, pulling a piece of straw out of his sleeve as he did so. At least, Kyon hoped it was only out of his sleeve, not what was underneath it.

"Thank you very much, miss…"

"Suzumiya. Suzumiya Haruhi. Nice to meet you Scarecrow".

Koizumi-Scarecrow grinned again and held out a hand for Kyon to shake. However, he overextended himself and crashed once again to the ground, only to spring up again, smiling as if nothing had happened.

"What happened to you? When did you get so clumsy?" asked Kyon, not caring that he sounded insensitive. Under normal circumstances, drawing attention to your friend's clumsiness is not considered to be polite, but these were hardly normal circumstances, and Kyon needed answers. Koizumi sometimes got on Kyon's nerves, but he could always be relied upon to know what was going on.

"Well I imagine that spending so much time up on that pole has made me a bit klutzy" said Koizumi pleasantly. "Truth be told, I cannot remember exactly how long I was up there, but it certainly feels like a long time."

"Well, how did you get up there in the first place?" asked Haruhi, with curiosity intent on her face. She looked as if she were expecting him to say something, something inmportant.

"Well… last week I was… no, that can't be right… perhaps it was… that isn't… I think I saw…" Koizumi looked lost, an expression that Kyon had never seen on his face before. "I don't remember that either, sorry to say. But then again…" reached to the back of his head, and brought it back again with a long piece of yellow straw. "You see, I do not have a brain, only straw".

It was at this point that Haruhi brightened up considerably. "I knew it!" she shouted triumphantly. "You would like to have a brain, wouldn't you?"

"Well, it would be…"

"Then we'll take you to the Wizard!" continued Haruhi, putting her arm around Koizumi's shoulders, which gave way under her grip more than was humanly possible.

_Please don't start singing, please don't start singing…_

Chapter 4

The wheatfields gave way to woodlands slowly, as if reluctant to relinquish their hold on the trio. Haruhi walked briskly up front, using a large branch she had found as a walking stick, and occasionally a sword to wield against offending bushes. Kyon on the other hand was trying to help Koizumi make sense of himself.

"Koizumi, do you remember me?"

"Hm… Eron?"

"No."

"Kiow?"

"Not quite."

"Kon?"

"N--… close enough. But you do remember me, right?"

Koizumi's face screwed itself into something approaching contemplation. The sack-cloth texture of his skin made the effect slightly disturbing. "I believe so. You are a friend of Suzumiya-san, yes? You… oh yes. Yes, I remember you. More or less."

Kyon gave a sigh of relief. So his fellow SOS Brigadier was not entirely gone. "Good. Now, a more important question. How is this all possible?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know. The tornado, the munchkins that look my sister, Ryoko back from the dead, the Technicolor?"

"Oh, you are talking about where we are, and how we came to be here. Well it's a simple question of… perhaps…" The defeated look on Koizumi's face was almost laughable, and Kyon would have laughed under any other circumstances. "I'm sorry, what was your question again?"

Kyon sighed, knowing that this would take him nowhere. "Nevermind Koizumi."

The scattered trees gave way to a fully-fledged forest. The fact that all of the trees were nearly identical and arranged in neat little rows did not detract from this fact.

Haruhi, Kyon and Koizumi had been walking for several hours, so many that Kyon had lost count. Despite this, the sun hovered in the precise spot it had occupied at the beginning of the journey, as if it to give both Kyon and the very concept of time a jaunty and bright, but still very rude gesture.

Kyon had breached the subject of the non-passage of time to Koizumi, who had simply shrugged and kept walking, two paces behind Haruhi. Eventually, Kyon had figured it out on his own.

_In the movie, it was always daytime._

This was one of the few things that Kyon could remember about _The Wizard of Oz_. He had not watched it since he was seven years old, and had hardly thought about it since then. Try as he might, he could not remember the characters, or even the ending, yet he definitely remembered that night never fell over the course of the entire film.

Kyon looked at Haruhi, cheerfully walking ahead of him. _If this is all caused by Haruhi_, Kyon thought, _then I guess she isn't very imaginative. Could she really have altered the universe just to reenact a movie? Is she insane? And, wow, she does look cute in… no! No, stay focused. What happens next in the movie? There were three companions that Dorothy meets on the way. The Scarecrow… the Scarecrow… and…_

Kyon's line of thought was broken by a quiet, but very clear "mmmph".

"Mmmph." said the mysterious thing to the left. By the time Kyon looked Haruhi was already running to the side of the…

_The Tin Man_.

Except it was not a tin man. The stationary object sitting beneath a tree was a tin girl. Not just any girl, but Yuki Nagato.

Like Koizumi, Nagato looked unmistakably like Nagato, but with subtle and unsettling differences. Her skin was an even shade of metallic gray, and on her jawline, one could see the slightest hint of a metallic hinge. Her hair remained the same purplish shade, but now looked to be molded out of solid metal. Oddly enough, while she still wore her North High School uniform, she wore what appeared to be a funnel on top of her head.

"Mmph." said the tin Nagato. "Mmmph mmph" she repeated with emphasis.

Haruhi looked into the seated girl's eyes, displaying no signs of recognition. "What did you say?" said Haruhi. "Speak up."

Nagato's eyes swivelled in the direction of a small can a few yards away, displaying her extremely metallic pupils. Kyon shuddered involuntarily. There were some things that were not made to be made of metal.

"Hrrrmph!" This sound was bit more emphatic. Kyon followed her line of sight to a small tin object in the grass, and picked it up.

"You want this oil can?"

"Mmmph."

Haruhi stalked over to Kyon and snatched away the can. "This is a woman's job! No man can go around oiling a woman's joints!"

_When did propriety ever become an issue for you?_

Haruhi added a few drops of oil to the edge of Nagato's jawline. "Can you move it now?"

Nagato opened and closed her mouth experimentally. "Arms," she said finally. Her voice was just as flat and emotionless as ever, but now there was a metallic ring in it, as if she were speaking through a tin can. For Nagato, it was oddly fitting.

Haruhi applied the oil to Nagato's shoulders, elboys, wrists and fingers. "Do you want me to do the rest?"

Nagato looked at Haruhi without moving her head, because her neck was still rusted. "No, thank you. This is sufficient." From this distance, Kyon could see her move her hand slightly. Walking forward he could see that she was reading a book that was in her lap. Nagato turned the page again, and said no more.

Koizumi finally decided to approach. He did not seem to realize that the Tin Girl was Nagato either. "Um… wouldn't you enjoy… er… walking?"

Nagato glanced towards Koizumi with something that could have been irritation. "This is sufficient," she repeated again, and resumed her reading.

This did not sit well with Haruhi. "Come on!" she yelled. "That's just ridiculous! Don't you want to be able to run and jump? How could you sit and read all the time?"

Nagato turned another page. "I do not see the merit in those activities. They are inefficient and ultimately lead to nothing."

"They're good exercise," pointed out Koizumi, apparently glad to have remembered a three syllable word.

"I do not require exercise. I am constructed of tin. Physical exertion does not alter my body in any way. Nor do I require food or water. Therefore, there is no logical reason for me to move from this location."

From Nagato, this was a speech of near Shakespearean proportions. Haruhi was not impressed. Putting her hands defiantly on her hips, she loomed over Nagato like a skyscraper in a blue dress. This did not impress Nagato in the slightest, who had resumed her reading, turning page after page of the large leatherbound volume.

Kyon wondered why Haruhi would get so worked up about Nagato wanting to read instead of walk, until he remembered that Haruhi did not see Nagato; she saw the Tin Girl, the second of Dorothy's companions. The Tin Girl couldn't refuse to go to the Emerald City, it wasn't possible.

Koizumi stepped forward. "Well, we're going to Emerald City to see the Wizard. He's going to give me a new brain, and send Miss Haruhi back home. Is there something you would like?"

Nagato turned another page. "I have read that hearts are a good thing to own. I was not constructed with one. If I were to see the Wizard, that is what I would ask for." She turned another page. "However, I have existed without a heart for some time now, and I have not suffered any ill-effects."

Haruhi looked like she would blow a blood vessel. Just then, Kyon realized something. "Naga… Tin Girl, how many pages are left of that book?"

"57," said Nagato immediately. "Not including the index and glossary".

Haruhi suddenly brightened. Kyon smiled to himself.

_Haruhi may be a bit… odd sometimes, but she knows…_

Kyon's plan had been to bait Nagato with the promise of getting her new books in addition to a heart. This way the story would continue more or less smoothly, and then they could end this crazy chirade. Kyon's plan was foolproof. It was not, however, Suzumiya-proof.

Haruhi leaned in close. Just as Nagato turned another page, Haruhi quickly grabbed the book and danced a few paces away, leaving Nagato slowly grasping at empty air. The Tin Girl looked at Haruhi without blinking, as if willing the book to fly back into her hands. Haruhi remained unphased.

"If you want the book back, you'll have to follow us to Emerald City!" she shouted, and sprinted down the Yellow Brick road, hair ribbons flowing behind her, with the book held tightly against her chest.

Nagato turned her ferrous eyes on Koizumi. "Oil me."

Chapter 5

The very first shadow that Kyon ever had to walk through since had come to Oz had been when they had discovered Nagato, whose footsteps now provided a rhythmic clanking that provided him with some sense of the passage of time. The clanks were as reliable as the second hand of a clock, and had nearly the same interval. By Kyon's count, there had been around 10,768 clanks since they had least seen the sun; nearly three hours.

One could not properly call this a forest anymore; it resembled a jungle more closely. It was, however, a children's cartoon jungle. The sunlight fell in dappled patterns that Kyon could positively swear repeated every few meters. Vines dripped from trees like green pieces of taffy, and brightly coloured flowers that could not possibly exist bloomed at semi-regular intervals. A monkey's hooting could be heard every 95 clanks on the dot, followed by the cry of some sort of bird exactly 7 clanks afterwards.

Kyon's attempts to find out what happened to them from Nagato were as fruitless as questioning Koizumi had been. She also had no memory of how she had come to be rusted underneath that tree, and did not seem to honestly care.

"It is of no consequence why we are here" she said, eyes fixed on Haruhi's aproned back. "Knowledge of such will not affect our current state in any way that will have obvious effects in the physical world".

At that point Koizumi jumped in. "There are some… ideas, that I heard once, that, by looking at something, one…" he trailed off again, distracted by a flower. It was Koizumi's behaviour that Kyon found most disconcerting. Nagato, while more unhelpful than usual, remained more or less the same. Haruhi's was not changed in the slightest, if anything it was amplified. Kyon thought that his personality remaind the same, if he sometimes had to repress the urge to sniff the trees. Koizumi's lack of brains had changed him fundamentally. On the outside, he was as pleasant and polite as ever, but his inability to hold his train of thought for more than ten seconds was beginning to tell. Koizumi was starting to become withdrawn; his natural urge to explain things beyond Kyon's comprehension was inhibited by the fact that they were now beyond his own comprehension as well. His attempt to debate with Nagato was nearly 4,623 clanks ago, and since then he had walked with his head down, his eyes glued to the road in front of him. Kyon never thought that it could happen, but he was worried about Koizumi.

Haruhi had not stopped talking since they had entered the jungle. There had not been an interval of more than 6 clanks in which her mouth had been closed. Unfortunately, her train of thought did not seem to diverge from three themes: lions, tigers, and bears. More specifically, she wanted to know where they were, and what reason they could possibly have to not be present. Haruhi pressed aside ferns, kicked tree trunks, stuck her head into the undergrowth, and on one memorable occasion, attempted to pull a vine down, in order to fashion a snare. Kyon did not even want to know what she intended to use as bait.

"This is so boring!" Haruhi shouted at Kyon, as if he himself were responsible for scaring away the ravenous beasts. "Where are the lions, tigers and bears? Where's the raiding party of cannibals? Where are the jungle men?"

It took Kyon several minutes to realize that Haruhi meant men who were raised by apes when she said "jungle men". She was particularly insistent that there should be jungle men, despite the fact that Kyon could not recall any jungle men in the movie.

_Why is she so fixed on Jungle Men? Was there a simultaneous screening of _Tarzan_ in the same room?_

In her rage towards the lack of excitement in general, and the stubbornly tame jungle in particular, Haruhi aimed a colossal kick at a large patch of dun colored grass. Her surprise was almost comical when she heard the grass squeal in fright.

_Wait a minute… I know that squeal!_

Kyon rushed forward to the patch of grass, which Haruhi was now busily rummaging through. "The ground here is so warm," said Haruhi, her face suddenly serious and business like. "Almost unnaturally warm. It's also soft, but I can't dig into it. Now it's shaking a bit. It's almost like the ground is made of flesh. That's interesting, isn't it Kyon?" Kyon knew what was coming, but couldn't bring himself to look away, despite the fact that common courtesy called for it. So Kyon wasn't as surprised as Asahina Mikuru was when Haruhi's curious hands clamped firmly onto her breasts. The scream of terror still left him with his ears ringing however.

Without the benefit of Nagato's footsteps, Kyon could not be quite sure how long it was before Mikuru awakened from her scandalized coma. Until then, Kyon had surrepitiously examined this new changed Asahina Mikuru, unlike Haruhi, who had taken to poking her in various places with a stick she had found. The first thing he had noticed was that all of Mikuru's proportions remained unchanged; this was made uncomfortably evident by the fact that she was wearing what appeared to be a variation of her bunny-girl costume. The outfit was apparently made of a soft golden-brown fur, which covered just enough of her torso to keep her decent. This included a long tail that twitched very realisitcally, and a pair of ears on her head, not to different than Kyon's own. The rest of her body seemed to be more or less the same, though her nails seemed pointier and thicker.

Kyon immediately dismissed the idea that the fur could be anything other than a costume, for fear of fainting as well.

The first thing that Asahina saw upon awakening was Haruhi's smiling face, which sent the cowardly lioness scrambling away and hiding behind a nearby tree. Like a dog spotting a cat, Haruhi immediately gave chase, shouting "Hey you! Lion! Come here!" Mikuru proceeded to run around the tree with Haruhi close behind her, circling it three times before Haruhi grabbed Mikuru's tail and wrestled her to the ground, yelling at Kyon and Koizumi to help hold her down.

Kyon considered going to Mikuru's aid, saw Haruhi straddled on top of the hapless beauty, and immediately turned away to hide his furious blushing. On the other hand, Koizumi was greatful for something that he could help do, and ambled over and pressed down Mikuru's arms, who then hurled him with considerable force into Kyon.

Despite the fact that there was straw coming out of his face, it was easy to forget that Koizumi was in fact, made of sackcloth and straw, so Kyon was the second most surprised person in the jungle to feel how light the scarecrow was. First was Mikuru, who immediately gasped at her own strength and curled into a fetal position, unintentionally dislodging Haruhi, who immediately sprung to her feet.

"What kind of lion are you anyway?" barked Haruhi. "Haven't you any backbone?" Mikuru slowly removed a hand from her face, and peered nervously at the group, her eyes rapidly flicking from Haruhi, to Koizumi, to Nagato, and then to Kyon, like a rabbit dodging gunfire. She nodded, and slowly got to her feet. After taking a few deep breaths, as if to calm down, Mikuru opened her mouth wide, revealing extremely long, and probably sharp teeth. This ghastly sight was followed bya solid wall of sound that sent the hapless Koizumi tumbling to the ground a second time.

The transition from roar to frightened yelp sounded like a foghorn being strangled with a piccolo. Mikuru looked at the road, and said quietly, "I'm a terrible lion. I'm such a coward, that I'm frightened by even the squirrels. You saw what happens when I try to roar. All of the tigers and bears laugh at me!" The cowardly lion suddenly broke into piteous weeping. Kyon took a step to comfort her, then noticed the fangs, and took two steps back.

Haruhi was not so timid. She knelt down so that she could look into Mikuru's eyes. "Listen. The Oz Division of the SOS Brigade will make you into a real lion. We'll get you started on courage training right away", said Haruhi. Kyon could see the seed of an idea in the cadence of her voice, which got louder and faster as she talked further. "We'll set up a scary obstacle course, right here in the jungle! Tin Girl, go find some frightening looking twigs to hang from the trees!"

Nagato nodded, and clanked off into a nearby thicket to the sound of Kyon's muttered protests. "Scarecrow, climb that tree and get ready to jump when the lion comes through."

"Roger," said Koizumi, who walked straight into Kyon's waiting arm. "We don't have time for—"

"And when you least expect it, Kyon will leap out and assault you!"

Kyon did not know whether to be outraged by Haruhi's line of thought, or ashamed by Mikuru's terrified scream.

_Why do I always have to be the bad guy?_

Kyon, tugged on Koizumi's shirt, as if to anchor him to the spot, before walking slowly over to Mikuru, who seemed to believe that she would be assaulted right then and there. "Hey," said Kyon, slowly, "if you'd prefer, we could take you to see the Wizard with us. He will probably give Koi—Scarecrow a brain, the Tin Girl a heart, and had better send me home. We'll get you some courage there as well."

Haruhi pouted, muttering "well if you want to do things the _easy _way". Mikuru, however, was delighted by the prospect of gaining courage without being assaulted.

Far to the West was a tower. It was constructed of a dark stone that seemed to absorb the sunlight, turn it red, and then dye the surrounding landscape crimson. The tower crept skyward, snaking at near impossible angles, cutting the horizon in two like a jagged Escherian bookmark.

At the top of the tower, the Wicked Witch of the West smiled pleasantly into her crystal ball. To the two hunched, winged creatures in the corner, it looked like she was looking at her reflection, and was liking what she saw.

"So you have some new friends, Haruhi-chan," purred the witch, stroking the ball like a beloved pet. "Not that they can help you. The ruby slippers will be mine, and then I can experiment on the whole of Oz with impunity." Holding a white flower in her hand, she let loose a fluting, haughty laugh, as her winged minions growled with hunger, anticipating the action to come.

Chapter 6

"Mikuru-san?" A tentative tap on the shoulder, followed by a surprised gasp.

"Yes Kyon-kun?" A flash of white teeth the size of industrial nails.

"Nevermind."

The Oz Branch of the SOS Brigade had left the jungle behind them, and had followed the Yellow Brick Road for approximately 7,549 clanks. The trees had stopped appearing all at once, leaving a solid wall of foliage behind them, without even a bush ahead of them. In lieu of vegetation that wasn't grass, there were rolling hills as far as the eye could see. Kyon had never seen a hill he could truly call "rolling" until then; they looked to be on the verge of tumbling away at the next breeze.

Kyon had meant to ask Mikuru if she was feeling fatigued. He wasn't, and this was beginning to bother him. Judging by Mikuru's swaying tail, and swaying…

_Shut up head, shut up!_

It seemed that Mikuru was feeling fine. She seemed much happier now that she was out of the jungle. The meadows of Oz were a truly peaceful place. Kyon was willing to bet that the flock of birds flying over their heads, every 327 clanks on the dot, were doves. He wondered if there were identical flocks of doves flying to some unknown purpose with military precision, or was it the same flock, circling around and coming back. The lack of bird excrement on the road was a constant source of surprise to Kyon.

Leading the way towards the Emerald City was Haruhi, of course, who was alternating between intense focus on the road, and cheerful chattering at Nagato. The Tin Girl was directly behind Haruhi, her eyes fixed on the book that the SOS leader held jauntily, like a lure. Behind Nagato was Koizumi, who was looking about him with the wide-eyed wonder that Kyon felt. Next was Mikuru, walking cheerfully, if cautiously. Kyon brought up the rear.

Mikuru's lion ears were large and tufted, and swivelled around like satellite dishes. Kyon focused his attention on the ears, lest his eyes continue to betray his sense of propriety. Suddenly, the ears turned around, bringing the rest of Mikuru with them.

"Is something on your mind, Kyon-kun?"

Kyon started a little. "How could you tell?"

The Cowardly Lioness smiled shyly, revealing two long canines. "There was a sudden change in your heartbeat, as if something were exciting you."

Thanking his lucky stars that Mikuru did not seem aware of the other meaning of "excite", Kyon managed to smile back. "Well, Koizumi and Nagato have no memory of coming to Oz. I was going to ask if you had any idea of what is going on."

Mikuru screwed up her eyes in an adorable expression of intese concentration. "The last thing I remember is hearing the tornado hit our school. Some time later, I was looking like this, and in the middle of the jungle. I don't know how long it was before Suzumiya-san discovered me," she continued, blushing at the memory, "but it seemed to be an awfully long time. Then again, being trapped in such a terrifying place can wreak havok on one's sense of time."

"I see," sighed Kyon, his ears drooping. "In that case, do you have any idea of how to turn things back to normal?"

"That's clear, I think," chimed in Koizumi from ahead. "Suzumiya-san is… re… re… going through the movie," he ended lamely. "She is the only one who can turn things back to normal, but…"

"She doesn't know that," finshed Kyon. "She thinks that the only way back to Japan is to see the Wizard."

"Yes. So we have no choice but to finish the movie," concluded Koizumi, with one of the most genuine smiles Kyon had ever see cross his face.

"Um…" said Mikuru, nervously, "I haven't seen the movie."

"Why not?" asked Kyon, "Don't tell me that movies will go out of style in the future?"

"I'm sorry, but that's classified information."

Koizumi raised his hand. "I saw the movie."

"So what happens next?"

"I can't remember."

Kyon hurried ahead, to where Nagato was walking. Her eyes were still focused on her book. "Um… Nagato-san, have you—"

"I have not seen the movie, but I have read most of the book."

"I see. What happens now in the book?"

"The characters cross a large ditch, by riding the Cowardly Lion. After which they enter the land of the kalidahs, which are half-tiger and half-bear." Kyon glanced over his shoulder at Mikuru, who smiled shyly.

_That isn't going to happen._

"How can you guys be talking at a time like this?" Haruhi's voice floated from the top of the hill that they were climbing, like an armed butterfly. "Get up here quickly!"

Kyon, Mikuru and Koizumi all easily overtook Nagato and reached Haruhi at a run. Winded from the quick dash, Kyon was keeled over panting. "What happened?" he wheezed, "who died?" Kyon took a pained glance upwards, only to go blind.

"Is that…?"

"So beautiful!"

"So bright! I can't see anything!"

"It has to be it! We're so close I can taste it!"

"The Emerald City is approximately 17 kilometers away."

That may have been true, but to Kyon the city looked like he could touch it if he just reached out far enough. That is, once his eyesight returned.

It looked exactly like it did in the movie, but fantastically real, even though Kyon knew it wasn't possible. Skyscrapers of green glass soared gracefully into the sky like fountains of vermilion. The sun glinted off of the city, causing the green flash that had until just recently robbed Kyon of his ability to see.

Haruhi whirled to face the Oz SOS Brigade. "This is it, the final leg of our journey. We should make it soon enough if we move at a suicide march! So let's—" Haruhi's slightly motivational speech was interupted by a loud yawn that burst from her own mouth. "Let's, take a brief nap."

Kyon would have wondered at Haruhi's sudden loss of energy, but he could feel his eyelids getting heavy, his limbs numb and unresponsive. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mikuru stretching out luxuriously into the field of white flowers, until he closed his eyes.

Koizumi and Nagato watched their companions fall asleep out of nowhere with bemused wonder and almost complete disinterest, respectively.

"What just happened, Nagato-san?"

"They fell asleep," replied the tin girl, who stomped through the flower fiels over to the prone Haruhi.

"Yes, of course. I mean, why did they fall asleep like that? We've been walking for… a long time, and nobody seemed tired."

Nagato knelt down, as if to check Haruhi's pulse. She stood up again, carrying her book. "I can't tell. There is no logical reason for this to have happened."

Koizumi's sackcloth brows knitted in concentration as he examined Kyon, whose legs were twitching, as if he were trying to chase something. "Perhaps… it's the flowers!"

Nagato looked over at him and stared. "These are poppies, _Papaver somniferum_. They are commonly used to make opiates, but they cannot put humans to sleep by their mere presence."

"What else could it be?"

Nagato nodded. "That would be the only logical answer I suppose. Help me wake them up, quickly." Nagato bent over and started to prod Haruhi with one metallic finger. The cold tin made the sleeping girl stir, but not wake. Koizumi began to shake Kyon, who remained stubbornly asleep.

"Wake up Haruhi-san. Wake up. Wake up. Please wake up." Nagato's voice seemed to be on the verge of panic, or perhaps sadness. These emotions were so unfamiliar to her that it was difficult to tell the difference.

"If I just had a brain, I could do something to wake them!" muttered Koizumi, one fist clenched. "Nagato, can't you do that… mouth thing you do?"

"CPR?"

"No, when you talk really fast!"

"Oh, you mean quantum reality alteration?" Nagato looked forward, and opened her mouth.

What came out was a horrific cacophany of alien words mixed with ripping metal, with a bit of bad dial-up thrown in for good measure. Nagato turned her head slowly towards Koizumi. "My jaw is too rusty."

The Scarecrow smiled sadly. "If that won't wake them up, I suppose nothing will." Koizumi sat down and pulled his knees towards him. "It's funny, I never thought it would end like this. My bosses will have me killed for letting things get like this. That is, if they even exist anymore." He looked sadly at the snoring Kyon, and gave him one half-hearted tap on the nose.

Kyon woke screaming. He had been having a dream about being chased by a massive shadowy beast, which screamed "Who's a good boy?" over and over in the voice of Suzumiya. Being half covered in snow did not help his mood. "Koizumi! What happened?"

The Scarecrow smiled. "I'm not sure. You, Suzumiya-san and Asahina-san all fell asleep. Then it started to snow, and now you are awake." Kyon wracked his brain. This scene seemed very familiar. Dorothy and friends fell asleep for some reason, and then…

_Ah! Kimidori-san must have saved us._

"Now where was I? Right, let's go see the wizard!"

Chapter 7

Despite the distance, Haruhi and company arrived at the gates of the Emerald City in what seemed like no time at all. Kyon speculated that this was because nothing happened in the movie between the poppies and the Emerald City, and Haruhi didn't have the patience to actually walk a long distance if she could help it.

The gates of the Emerald City looked even larger close up. Looking up them was like staring up the side of a large skyscraper from the ground; it looked like a massive green avalanche halted in mid-fall.

Haruhi turned to her companions, and lowered her head conspiriatorially. "This might be tricky," she whispered, "let me do the talking, and we'll get in no time." Kyon seriously doubted this, and watched Haruhi stride over to the door with skepticism.

_It's more likely that they'll set the guards on us._

Haruhi looked for a good place to know, shrugged, and brought her arm back past her head. She then hurled her fist forward as if she meant to throw it. The emerald gate gave a resonating _bong_, as Haruhi brought her hand back for another strike. Her second swing was interupted by an unseen window politely opening slightly to her right.

"How may I help you Miss?" said the courteous mustache in the window. Kyon leaned around Haruhi, to see that the gatekeeper of the Emerald City was none other than Mr. Arakawa.

Haruhi quickly composed herself. "Yes. We're here to see the Wizard."

Mr. Arakawa smiled pleasantly. "Of course. Many people want to see the Wizard. I'm very sorry to say that it is not within my authority to take you to him. However, feel free to enjoy the city until your application for an audience is finished."

With that, the massive gates swung open, slowly and as dignified as a Galapagos Tortoise, revealing the shimmering metropolis within. Haruhi immediately dashed inside, with Kyon, Koizumi and Mikuru running after her. Nagato clanked in, not much faster than the gates themselves as they closed shut behind her.

There were two very peculiar things about the Emerald City, other than the fact that it was a city made of emerald. One, there seemed to be very few buildings other than the massive castle of the Wizard; a massive courtyard dominated most of the cities, flanked by a few skyscrapers, where the inhabitants presumably lived.

The second peculiar thing was the inhabitants; or perhaps it wasn't so peculiar, considering the Munchkin Village. Each and every Emerald Citizen was a not quite exact clone of Tsuruya. All of them had hair that was various shades of iridescent green, but each one retained Tsuruya's energy and speech impediment.

"Oh! Vithitors! Welcome to the Emerald Thity!"

"Hey! You with the thraw! Want to buy thome watcheth?"

"Wow, your mane is tho luthtrous! Can I bruth it for you?"

"I mutht thay that I don't think that tin ith a good metal for you. Have you conthidered swtiching to thteel?"

"Come one, come all, to the greatetht show in Oth!"

Kyon did not think it was possible to lisp a z-sound, but then he remembered where he was.

The group was herded, more by the Brownian Current of the identical crowds more than any deliberate action on the part of their hosts, into a small plaza, filled with people sitting on green chairs. The chairs were uncomfortable looking plastic things, each placed next to a small table covered with magazines. Kyon inspected a few; _Munchkin Monthly, Quadling Quarterly_ and _Tik-Tok Fancy_ were just a few of the titles.

Kyon was interupted by a slight cough from his left. He looked down to see a girl with light brown hair. She looked exhausted, with the resigned tiredness of those who do nothing all day long. She looked familiar…

_Mizuki Okajima! That's her name. She looks awful…_

"Are you guys here to see the Wizard too?" said the young girl, who looked much older.

"Yes we are," called Haruhi from a nearby chair. "How long has the wait been?"

Mizuki smiled ruefully. "Well, I've been sitting here for about two months now. But my friend here has been waiting for closer to six."

The entire group recoiled in shock at the emaciated figure of Mr. Okabe, who said nothing, and simply stared out into space. Haruhi however, was more concerned about her own upcoming wait. "SIX MONTHS? You have to be kidding, I can't wait that long! Who does this stupid wizard think he is anyway, making us sit around for—".

"Is there anything around here to eat?" whispered Mikuru into Mizuki's ear, ducking one of Haruhi's swinging fists.

"No. I have not eaten since I arrived."

"Not to be rude, but shouldn't you be dead by now?" asked Koizumi.

"Of course not. Nobody ever dies in Oz."

"What? That can't be true!" hissed Kyon.

Nagato interjected. "It is true. I have not detected a single fatality within a hundred miles since I regained consciouness in the forest."

Kyon let the fact that Nagato could apparently detect death slide. "More importantly, how are we going to get in?" He glanced back at the raging figure of Haruhi, who had proceeded to throw an issue of _The Gillikin Times_ at the serenly smiling face of Mr. Arakawa, who he could now see was wearing a green tuxedo. "There's now way we can stay here for six months."

"Yes definitely. Maybe we could—" whatever Koizumi was about to suggest was interupted by Mikuru's surprised squeal as Haruhi's hand grabbed her tail and pulled. Kyon and Koizumi observed the retreating figures of Haruhi and her hapless victim for a few seconds. Shrugging, they followed the line of frantic claw marks on the floor through the crowd of Tsuruyas.

"Are you thure you don't want that watch Mr. Thcarecrow?"

"Ecthra ecthra! Read all about it! Wicked Witch of the Eatht killed by thchool wielding thycho-girl!"

"Hey, whatth that in the thky?"

Kyon allowed his gaze to follow that of the masses. High above the city, clouds were forming. Ever since he had come to Oz, Kyon had been convinced that the clouds there were simply set pieces of the sky with no beginning or end. These clouds were new, and they spelled the words "SURRENDER HARUHI" written in massive and extremely elegant letters.

_Things are getting too serious. We have to put things back to normal quickly._

Chapter 8

Kyon and Koizumi arrived at the tallest building in the city, which was presumably the residence of the Wizard. Haruhi, Mikuru and Arakawa were already there.

_Is there just one of him here, or are there whole crowds of him?_

The vermillion clad butler was affably attempting to assuage Haruhi's complaints, but the young girl was clearly full of probably-righteous fury and would not be denied.

"Do you have any idea how long we've travelled to be here? Do you? Of course you don't, because there isn't time here, but that's besides the point! You have no right to keep us out."

"I'm sorry Miss, but I have no control of such matters. The Wizard is the only one who decides who may or may not enter his presence."

Haruhi stomped her foot. "Fine, then I will have to do something that we'll both regret. Lion!" Mikuru snapped to attention, her tail stiffening out two feet. "Knock the doors down!"

"What?" squeaked Mikuru. "I-I couldn't possibly do—"

"Less excuses, more door knocking!"

Mikuru examined a hand, and sighed. She walked up to the door and pounded it with her fist. To her shock and everybody else's surprise, the huge portal swung open as if hit with a cannon ball, the doors slamming against the walls with a resounding "GONG!" which drowned out Mikuru's fearful yowl.

Haruhi, after clsoing her mouth, put her hands on her hips and glanced back at Kyon, Koizumi and Nagato, as if to ask "Well? Scared?" She then quickly rushed into the dark corridor within, her entourage close behind.

The Wizard's chamber was everything it could be expected to be. It was dark and massive. The ceiling stretched upwards with no roof in sight. There were no walls that could be seen either, just endless dark green shadows, like looking into a deep scummy pond with no bottom. It was also entirely empty save for a raised platform in the center.

"Hello?" called Hauhi, only to be answered by her own echo. "Wizard? Are you home?"

"WHO DARES INTRUDE UPON THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ?"

The voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, though the owner of the voice was making itself apparent on the platform. There was a singular point of blue light, which did not cast shadows or illuminate the darkness, but instead made it more obscure. The light expanded, becoming a web of writhing blue lightning. Eventually, a crude head-shape could be made out. What appeared next drew soft gasps from Kyon and Koizumi. Three bright red dots appeared in the head, forming a crude depiction of eyes and a mouth.

"Koizumi, isn't that—"

"Yes! It's a thingy!"

Kyon glanced sideways at his companion but said nothing. Thingy was as good a word as any for the giant. Kyon had seen one once before, when Koizumi had shown him the small pockets of unreality caused by Haruhi's boredom. That one had been hundreds of feet tall; Kyon could only assume that the face before him was about the size of the giant's head.

A look of further surprise spread over Koizumi's face. "Kyon, if this world is part of Haruhi's mind, then how would she know about the thingy?"

Kyon observed Haruhi's face, but there was no look of recognition there. "Perhaps it's a subconscious thing?" asked Kyon.

"Sub-what?"

"Never mind."

However the giant had gotten into Oz, it was obviously not happy with the SOS Brigade's sudden entrance. "DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO REPLACE GIANT EMERALD DOORS? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK TO GET THIS PLACE UP AND RUNNING?"

Kyon had to admit to himself that he did not expect the Wizard of Oz to sound so petulent. Haruhi gazed up calmly at the massive face, unimpressed. "Whatever Wizard. Now, what will it take for you to give the Scarecrow a brain, Tin Girl a heart, and the Lion courage?"

"And get us home!"

"Sure, that too!"

If the children's drawing of a face had eyebrows, it probably would have raised at least one. "YOU REALLY EXPECT ME, THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ, TO JUST GIVE YOU ALL OF THAT, AFTER YOU DESTROY THE ENTRANCE TO MY HOME, AND BRING THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST TO MY CITY?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Haruhi.

_So she didn't notice it after all…_

"LISTEN UP. MAYBE I WILL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR AFTER ALL, BUT FIRST YOU WILL HAVE TO PERFORM A TASK, TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE WORTHY OF MY ASSISTANCE."

"And what is that?"

"KILL THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST."

Kyon seized up, and he thought he saw a flicker of recognition on Nagato's face as well. She was, after all, the person who had killed Ryoko the first time. "That's crazy!" shouted Kyon. "If you're so powerful, why don't you do it yourself?"

Haruhi cut him off with a glare and said, "You have yourself a deal Wizard. Come on guys, we're going on a witch hunt!"

"AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'VE FINISHED THE JOB!"

Chapter 9

It was extremely disconcerting to see the Yellow Brick road from the other direction. The world looked similar but at the same time entirely different, as if somebody had come into one's room, and moved everything two inches to the left.

Kyon had been meaning to ask Haruhi something since they had left the Emerald City, and finally worked up the nerve to ask it. "Um… Suzumiya?"

"Yes Kyon?"

"There's been something I've wanted to say to you for a while now, but I wasn't sure how."

A faint blush spread across Haruhi's cheeks, like a sunset. "What is it Kyon?"

"This may be difficult for you to answer, but Haruhi—"

"…yes?"

"How do you know that we are going West?"

_What was that about?_

Haruhi's slap had layed Kyon hard onto the Yellow Brick Road. It may have alleviated her frustration, but did nothing to answer the question. The sun was slightly shy of being directly over head, but nobody had any way of knowing if the sun was rising or setting.

"We could go back to the City and ask for directions" suggested Koizumi.

"Did you miss the part where the Wizard told us not to come back?" replied Kyon flatly.

"Oh, yes. Excuse me."

Haruhi glanced at Mikuru. "Don't you have some sort of animal sense of direction?"

"No, at least I don't think so…"

Everybody lowered their head and pondered for a while. Haruhi suddenly perked up. "I've got it! We'll put Tin Girl on a swivel and make a compass!"

"No." Nagato's tone left no room for argument, even from Haruhi.

Kyon's line of thought was interupted by his ears, which suddenly perked up. "Do you guys hear that?" Everybody but Mikuru shook their heads.

"I hear it too. It sounds like somebody's waving a big sheet around."

The SOS Brigade looked about them, but nobody was doing laundry in sight. Kyon sighed and then looked up, towards the rising or setting sun. The sun seemed to be flickering a bit, as if there were something in front of it… "Everybody get down!"

The bat-winged creatures swooped in fast as falcon, looking more like streaks of brown and gray than actual living things. The first one seized Haruhi by her overall straps and flew off, bobbing and jerking as the young girl fought against the implacable claws.

The second one zoomed towards Mikuru, who trembled and squealed in fright, before roaring "Stay away from us!" Her delicately clawed hand came around in an arc and slapped the flying thing away like a baseball. It stumbled clumsily through the air and landed on a nearby tree branch, allowing Kyon to get a good look at it. Behind the large greyish brown leathery wings crouched a large and rather nasty-looking calico cat. Nasty, but familiar… Kyon gasped suddenly, just as the cat lunged at him and dragged him away by his jacket through the air.

The last words that Kyon would utter before being taken away by the flying cat were "Shamisen, why?!"

The Scarecrow, the Tin Girl and the Cowardly Lioness stared at the rapidly retreating silhouettes that had once been Suzumiya Haruhi, Kyon, and two flying cats. The silence was eventually broken by Nagato, who was staring down at her book, dropped by Haruhi in her surprise. "We have to go after them." Koizumi smiled pleasantly. "Yes, definitely. But which way is West?"

Kyon regained consciouness with a collar around his neck, with a chain to a dark stone wall. The chain was very secure, but the collar had been put on a bit carelessly.

_So that wasn't just a dream._

"Now Haruhi, you re being very silly. If you give me the shoes, I can let you go, and I will return you home." The voice of Asakura Ryoko was as terrifying as it was gentle. Kyon had to admit that the following grunt of pain sounded a bit better to his ears. Haruhi did have a good kick, from years of soccer, even when she was tied to a chair.

"No way you witch. I know you're game, and there's no way you're getting these shoes."

Ryoko dusted herself off and smiled again. "That's the second time you've hit me. I don't think it is a good idea to abuse someone more powerful than you like that."

Haruhi grinned confidently. "Oh? Just you wait. There's a crack team of angry monsters on their way here right now. "Two of them are indestrutible golems, and one's a raging beast whose very roars could shake this castle apart."

_You're kidding, right?_

The Witch was unruffled. "Those three? They wont sneak past my army of Winkies, let along\e rescue you. Besides, I have another source of power over you." Ryoko walked over to Kyon, who reflexively scurried into the corner. She grabbed him by the collar and held his head back, leaving his throat bare. Kyon felt the slight pain of the razor sharp blade at his throat.

_Why does she ALWAYS have knives?_

"If you don't relinquish the slippers, I'll have to kill your dog right here and now."

Haruhi gritted her teeth. "Fine! You can have the slippers."

"No, give her the—" Kyon ears twitched.

_Did Haruhi just really give in like that?_

Ryoko smiled and let Kyon drop to the floor. She kneeled at Haruhi's feet, and reached her hands out towards the glittering ruby footwear. There was suddenly a sharp whip crack, as Ryoko was hurled to the floor. "I see that meddling Good Witch has some more tricks up her sleeve. Well, you stay here and behave, while I think of a better way to get those things off of you." The witch smiled again. "Have a pleasant day!"

As soon as the door closed, Haruhi began to strain against her ropes, pulled back and then strained again. The chair rocked back and forth, as if dancing from foot to foot. Even from his position, Kyon could see that Haruhi could not accomplish anything more than knocking herself to the floor. "Suzumiya," he whispered. "Haruhi!" Haruhi looked up. "Listen, you can't get out. Just sit tight, the others will be—"

"Not here Kyon! They don't know hot to get here. That's why," she was cut off by her own face violently hitting the stone floor as her chair toppled forward. "That's why I'm getting you out of here. Get over here."

"But what do you intend…" Then Kyon noticed that as she was then, he might be able to get his collar even with Haruhi's head. Straining against the rope, he crawled forward, the rope creaking at the pull. Unable to get further, Kyon collapsed, his face inches from Haruhi's. He looked at her face, set in a determined pout, her eyes still shining despite the current sitatuion.

_She really is quite good looking…_

Kyon's reverie was broken by Haruhi's face suddenly lunging towards his. "Wait, Haruhi I…"

Kyon opened his eyes to see that Haruhi had managed to stretch herself far enough to reach his collar with her mouth. She tugged and nibbled at the crude locking mechanism, jerking Kyon's head back and forth, until she was rewarded with a soft click. "Now get going Kyon, before the Witch comes back."

Kyon slipped his collar off gratefully, and rubbed his neck. "But I don't know where they are." They both suddeny went silent at the sound of the turning door knob. "Kyon! Go!" shouted Haruhi. Kyon followed Haruhi's gaze towards the window. "No way. That must be a drop of at least…"

"Oh Haruhi, I think I've found just the thing to get those slippers off," cooed the Witch from behind the door. Kyon dove out of the window head first.

Chapter 10

For the first time since he had arrived in Oz, Kyon was grateful of the timelessness of the place. No time meant that he couldn't get exhausted, which allowed him to run East as fast he could, nonstop. He could imagine the horrible things that Asakura was doing to get the ruby slippers. He had to find Koizumi, Nagato and Mikuru and…

_And what? It's not like the four of us have any chance of getting in, let alone beating Asakura. Well, Nagato did it once before, but she's become so slow ever since she became tin…_

Kyon skidded to a halt at the top of fairly large hill. He had been guided to it by some straw floating on the wind, one of which flew into his mouth as he stared in flabbergasted confusion at the seen before him.

"I told you this would not work. I am made of tin, not iron," said Nagato, as she balanced precariously on a stick in on her back, with Koizumi and Mikuru looking on thoughtfully. "Perhaps if we put you in water, you'd point North…" replied Koizumi, the wind pulling out another piece of straw from his head.

It was Mikuru who noticed Kyon first, and the first to greet him, with a big bear hug. "Kyon! You're alive! I was so scared that we would never see you again." Kyon gasped loudly, as the combination of Mikuru's rib-cracking strength and her breasts pressed against him threatened to overload his brain. "Good… to see you… too," he managed.

As soon as he got his breath back, Kyon hurriedly explained the situation to the three SOS Brigadiers. "We have to go back for her," said Nagato, who has at that point gotten off of her swivel.

"But what can we do?" asked Mikuru. "There's just the four of us."

Koizumi smiled. "Asahina-san, you can knock down trees with one punch."

"Yes, but trees are a lot less scary than a Witch."

Kyon shook his head. "None of that matters right now. We need to go back, rescure Suzumiya, and most importantly, kill Asakura again, so things can go back to normal. We'll decide what to do when we get there."

Some time later, the four were crouched behind a boulder in front of the Witch's castle. Kyon looked at it as if for the first time, because it was for the first time. He had been so focused on running for his life that he had barely noticed it last time. It seemed to radiate dread, like a space heater of evil. Kyon pointed to a window midway up the tower. "I'm fairly certain that that is the window I jumped out of. With any luck, Suzumiya is still being held in there."

_And if she isn't, we only have about fifteen stories to search…_

Everybody froze at the sound of a long low chat, coming from the left. The chant was rhythmic and was accompanied by two pairs of marching feet. Kyon cautiously glanced over the lip of the boulder.

_Taniguchi and Kunikida?!_

Sure enough, it was Kyon's friends, dressed up in spikey armor, carrying spears, and marching around like toy soldiers. It was all Kyon could do to keep from laughing, but that didn't make their spears any less sharp. He ducked behind the boulder again, and turned to the others. "I count two guards. Any ideas?" Koizumi slowly raised a hand.

"Perhaps we could take their armor, and use it to infil… sneak in."

Nagato looked over the rim of the rock. "Yes, but there are insufficient uniforms to fit all of us."

Kyon rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and cast a glance at Mikuru.

One swipe from Mikuru later, and Kyon and Koizumi were dressed in Winkie armor, with Mikuru and Nagato being led in as captives, though Kyon knew well that he and Koizumi could never hold the two of them down. He only hoped that the Winkies wouldn't be able to notice that, or the ears that continually attempted to slip out from under his helmet.

They approached the front gate of the tower, manned by another two-Winkie squad consisting once again of Taniguchi and Kunkida.

_Do all of them look the same? This will never work!_

The two Winkies scrutinized the two "Winkies" and their captives. "What are these two?" asked the one that looked like Taniguchi.

"Don't you mean, 'who are these two'?" cut in Kunikida.

Taniguchi turned to his companion. "No, because _who_ they are is less important than _what_ they are."

Kyon coughed, trying to make his voice sound as much like Kunikida's as possible. "They're prisoners for the Wicked Witch."

Taniguchi looked at them closely. "Looks like a Lion and a Tin Girl."

Kunikida lowered his spear a bit. "Orders are to immediately take them to the lowest dungeon in the tower under a guard of no less than six."

Kyon and Koizumi looked at each other. "It _was_ a good plan," said Kyon, before releasing the constraints on Mikuru, who immediately pounced on the two Winkies, knocking them senseless as they hit the floor, with a loud clattering of armor and spears. The commotion caught the attention of three Winkie patrols from around the area, who ran towards the SOS Brigade, shouting.

Mikuru got up from her victims, noticed the charging soldiers, and shrieked a bit, but stepped forward. "Go save Suzumiya-san," she said. "I'll keep them busy as long as I can." Kyon attempted to protest, but Nagato's heavy hand fell on his shoulder and dragged him away.

Kyon and Koizumi, now free of armor, took the stairs at a run, with Nagato clanking close behind. "I think it was the seventh floor," gasped Kyon, as he turned a corner, bumping face first into a wooden door. He tried the knob withou success.

_Don't tell me we've come this far to be stopped by a locked door?_

Kyon turned his head at the sound of Nagato catching up. She looked at the door as if it were a frog on a dissection table, and then walked forward and leaned on it. The wood creaked, the metal hinges protested, but Nagato's weight proved to be too much for the door, which collapsed with the Tin Girl on top of it. Nodding their thanks, Kyon and Koizumi ran on ahead, leaving Nagato to try and push herself up again.

Rounding another corner, Koizumi attempted to stop, flipping himself to the floor in the process. "This is the seventh floor," he said from the ground. Kyon glanced around, and then noticed a door in the corner.

_This must be it._

After he helped Koizumi up, he tried the door knob, which turned smoothly. Nodding at the Scarecrow, he took a deep breath, and rushed into the room, running straight into Haruhi, who angrily pushed him back. "How stupid can you be Kyon? I told you to rescue stage a rescue, not get yourself captured again!"

Kyon caught his balance and glanced around the room, and quickly lost the color in his face, his ears drooping over his eyes. Alongside Haruhi stood Asakura Ryoko, with a big smile on her face. Along side Asakura stood four Winkies, two of which had black eyes.

_No prizes for guessing how they got those._

He looked over his back shoulder, and saw only Koizumi, who grinned nervously, his burlap skin looking even more grotesque in the flickering torch light.

"Hello," said the Witch, all pleasantness. "How good of you to come back to us. Now, Suzumiya-chan, you will give me the slippers now, wont you?"

Haruhi put her hands on her hips defiantly. "No way, the SOS Brigade, Oz Division, never surrenders!"

Asakura simply pointed a long, perfectly manicured finger at Koizumi. "Then you'll watch your friends die. First, the Scarecrow." A slender plume of fire lanced towards the Scarecrow, who immediately burst into flames.

At that moment, Haruhi pushed the Witch to the floor, and shouted, "Kyon! Throw the Scarecrow on top of the Witch," before she was wrestled to the ground by the Winkies.

_How cold-hearted can you get?_

Kyon nervously got behind Koizumi and gave him a gentle shove, which was more than enough to send the blazing Scarecrow on top of Asakura. "Do you think this hurts me? Fire is my element."

Haruhi had at this point managed to somehow throw off the Winkies. And scrambled to a corner, in which sat a bucket of water. With a low grunt and a heave, she splashed its contents at the burning Scarecrow and Witch.

_What was a bucket of water doing here in the first place?_

Any thoughts on that matter were interupted by Asakura's unearthly scream of pain. It filled the room and spilled out of the window and door, and filled the cracks in the stones. Steam rose up from her body as she writhed on the floor, next to the damp, somewhat charred Koizumi. "I'm melting!" she shrieked. "I'm melting! Oh, what a world…" With that, the Wicked Witch of the West disappeared into the floor, leaving only her clothes.

Asakura's death screams died slowly, like subborn grass in winter. After they finally faded away entirely, silence ruled the room, only to be broken by the entrance of Nagato and Mikuru. The SOS Brigade looked at the Winkies; the Winkies stared at the Witch's clothing. One that looked like Kunikida hesitantly poked the black robe with his spear, as if expecting it to stand up and bite him, or explode.

_Which doesn't sound nearly as far-fetched as it should._

The Winkies looked at each other, and suddenly burst into huge woops of laughter and triumph. One of the Kunikida's walked towards Haruhi, and kneeled at her feet. "You have killed the Wicked Witch of the West, and freed our people from slavery. The entire Winkie nation is in your debt." The other three Winkies did not seem to share that one's eloquence, as they were too busy celebrating, by going through the late Witch's clothes.

Haruhi stood proudly in front of the kneeling Winkie. "Yes, you are indeed in my debt. From now on, this tower is the headquarters of the SOS Brigade Oz Division!" She pointed at the suddenly pensive Kunikida. "Assemble all of the Winkies in front of the Tower in two hours, in full battle regalia! Any stragglers are to be stripped naked and tied upside down from the battlements for a day!"

_It's my entire life on a national scale…_

"But, Suzumiya-san, I am not in a position to tell my people to do that."

"Then congratulations, you've been promoted to General of the Winkies, now get moving, or one of them will replace you!" Haruhi pointed at one the Taniguchi Winkies, who was trimphantly holding up what appeared to be a green pair of panties.

Haruhi's latest power trip was interupted by the unwelcome voice of Kyon. "Actually, you can repay your debt by just bringing us the Witch's broom, thank you."

Chapter 11

The walk back to the Emerald City took much longer than Kyon expected. This was due to the fact that every step of the way was hindered by massive celebrations that seemed to sprout from the earth whereever they went. Kyon could have sworn that there were not nearly that many people along the Yellow Brick Road, but evidence to the contrary was dancing alongside him in jubilation, so who was he to argue?

The SOS Brigade reached the gates of the Emerald City, being carried by the joyful denizens of Oz. From his perch atop the hands of several Tsuruyas, Kyon looked around. To his left was Koizumi, being easily carried by a single person. He was smiling as pleasantly as ever, though Kyon thought that he caught a glimpse of what might be real happiness behind the half-smile.

To his right was Mikuru, who was profusely thanking her carriers for their services, being careful not to crush the hands that she shook. Kyon hadn't heard her shriek in fear once since they had been reunited at the entrance to the Witch's castle.

_Perhaps all of the fear has left her system._

Behind was Nagato, requiring twice as many celebrators to be carried as anybody else. Kyon recalled the moment that he, Koizumi and Haruhi had met her in the staircase. Despite the fact that her eyes had that disturbing metallic sheen, he could remember being able to read emotion in those eyes, the way that Nagato read her book, even while being hoisted towards Emerald City. Worry, relief; Kyon hadn't known that Nagato could feel that way. Perhaps she couldn't, until then.

And at the front of it all sat Haruhi, an expression of transcendant joy lighting up her face like the sun that shined overhead eternally.

As before, the doors to the Wizard's palace swung opened slowly, almost reluctantly, as Haruhi lead the way inside. To Kyon, the many nooks and crannies that lined the walls seemed to fall away as they strode, with varying degrees of confidence, into the Wizard of Oz's chamber. When they arrived, the massive glowing head of the giant was waiting for them.

"Well?" boomed the Wizard.

As if she had rehearsed it (which, Kyon thought, she probably did) Haruhi snapped her fingers, causing the Witch's broomstick to appear in her hand, courtesy of Nagato. "We've killed the Wicked Witch of the West, and brought her broomstick here, as requested. Now, we will take one brain, one heart and courage as payment for services rendered."

"And to send us—"

"Quiet Kyon!"

The Wizard's massive head shimmered slightly, which somehow gave Kyon the impression that it was smiling. "Did you really think that I, the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, would simply give you so much as a taste of my powers, for such a simple task?"

Kyon could almost feel the heat that radiated from Haruhi's indignation with every word. "A simple task? A simple task?! If it was so simple, why not get one of your subjects to do it? Or better yet, why not do it yourself? What kind of great and powerful wizard are you?"

It did not seem possible for the massive face in front of them to bluster, but bluster it did. "I am VERY great and powerful! I am so powerful, mountains tremble at my name, and the scariest monsters in Oz wet themselves at the mere thought of me!"

"So fearsome that you sent an innocent high school girl to deal with one little harmless hag?"

_There's so much wrong with that sentence I don't know where to start!_

"I am very busy… I've had things to do, wizardly things! Why just the other day for example I—"

Kyon was distracted from the Wizard's defensive tirade by the slightest movement from the corner of the room. The stirring in the darkness brought a similar stirring in Kyon's memory. He looked about, but all eyes were fixed on Haruhi's argument with the Wizard, an argument that the Wizard was clearly losing. Kyon took a deep breath, and tip toed to the corner of the room. Once there, he gingerly pushed his hand into the darkness, and felt something soft and velvety; a curtain. Slowly, and without warning, a smile crept onto Kyon's face, as he grasped the curtain and pulled.

Kyon did not know who he expected the Wizard to really be, but it certainly wasn't him.

"The president of the Computer Research Society?" gasped Mikuru from across the room.

The reedy voice of the Computer Research Society President said, in perfect unison with the booming baritone of the Wizard of Oz. "Er… pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."

A few minutes later, after a brief struggle, the President lay bound on the floor of the Wizard's chamber, which was now lit up. It seemed much smaller, despite the extra room created by the absence of the giant face. Nevertheless, the cries for mercy of the Computer Club President cum Wizard still echoed through the halls. "If you'd… ow! Stop kicking…. ow! me, I could explain."

"There's nothing to explain," growled Haruhi, after a well placed kick to the ribs. "You thought you could pull the wool over the eyes of the SOS Brigade's almighty leader, Suzumiya the Witch Slayer. This punishment is nothing compared to the thousand agonizing deaths that you deserve!"

_I'm angry too, but that's too harsh!_

The President rolled away from Haruhi, accidentally bowling over Koizumi in the process. "Yes," he gasped, "I tried to betray you. It's the least I could do, for the pain you've caused me. But I need to get out of here. These munchkins… they declared me Wizard when they saw my skills with technology." The President attempted to strike a dramatic pose, but failed miserably and fell face forward to the floor again. "But they're so annoying! Every day, they came with their inane questions and problems, and they're sales pitches! I resorted to creating that hologram just to scare them away. And worst of all, I don't even know how I got here!" He rolled onto his back, looking up at Haruhi, Kyon and Mikuru. "But," he continued, "I have developed a portal that should be able to return me, and you as well, to the real world. Please forgive me, Suzumiya-san. Together, we can escape this technicolor hell!"

The President/Wizard's eloquence left the SOS Brigade stunned. Kyon noticed Haruhi stealing a glance at the throne that hunched arrogantly in the corner behind the curtain. Sighing, he put his hand on her shoulder. "Don't even think about it."

With a low hum that developed slowly into a whine, and then a barely audible screeching that left Mikuru and Kyon writhing on the floor, the portal activated. The machine stood at least thirty feet tall, and resembled a honey comb constructed of impossibly shiny metal and what appeared to be melted gemstones. The actual portal was blue, with flecks of orange and silver visible as it twirled like the most powerful toilet in the universe.

The Computer Research Society President stepped away from the control panel to admire his handywork. "The odd thing is, I'm fairly certain that I do not have the know-how to build such a thing. Oh, don't worry, I have every confidence that it should function correctly," he added, in response to Kyon's look of sudden terror.

"I detect a trans-reality temporal fold, stability at 96.77835 percent and steady," chimed in Nagato. "In theory, it should function while only causing minor damage to nervous systems."

_What kind of minor damage?_

"The problem is," continued the President, as if he had not heard anything, "that the Portal deactivates after anything passes through, and must be reactivated again. So, first Suzumiya-san will go through, and then her dog. I'll be last."

_Even he thinks I'm actually a dog?_

Suzumiya turned to Koizumi, Nagato and Mikuru, and put her hands on her hips and thrust out her chest. "This is it. I don't suppose I will ever see any of you again." Kyon and Koizumi exchanged looks, with the Scarecrow mouthing "just go with it". "And though our ways part here, perhaps forever," shouted Haruhi, her voice taking on a military drawl, "I just want you to know that you are the finest SOS Brigadiers that I have ever had the honor of commanding. In my absence, I expect each of you to seize a third of Oz, and develop this country until it is worthy to be called the kingdom of SOS. Your travails will be numerous, and your challenges demanding. I know you will not let me down. That is all." With that, she stomped her foot, and saluted. The SOS Brigade collectively shrugged, and returned the gesture.

At that moment, Haruhi was illuminated from behind by light so intense that Kyon had to cover his eyes, lest he be blinded. The humming had stopped; the portal was closed. "The portal is closed," observed Mikuru, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "I suppose he got tired of waiting," added Kyon.

Haruhi stared wide-eyed at the portal-less machine. Kyon walked up behind her, his mind working fast. "You know, there is another way back."

Haruhi rounded on her ruby-slippered heel, and pushed a finger under Kyon's chin, as if it were a loaded gun. "You think I want to go back?" she whispered. "Is that what you think? Do you think that I am not capable of surviving in the world of Ozian power politics, is that what you think, Kyon?" There was fury in Haruhi's eyes; fury and happiness and… something else. What was it?

_Oh. That again._

Kyon slowly moved his right hand onto Haruhi's wrist, and pulled her finger away from his neck. Haruhi did not resist. Taking her other wrist in his other hand, Kyon brought their hands together in between their chests. They looked into each other's eyes, and in that moment, Mikuru, Nagato, Koizumi, and all of Oz began to fall away, as if the universe were stretching itself away from them.

"There's no place like home," said Kyon quietly.

"There's no place like home," repeated Haruhi, as if in a trance.

"There's no place like home."

"There's no place like home." The slippers touched once.

"There's no place like home."

"There's no place like home." Twice.

"There's no place like home."

"There's no place like home." Thrice. Oz spun, expanded, shrank, and shattered, leaving nothing but the sparkle in a little girl's eye, as she watched her favorite movie for the first time.

Epilogue

Haruhi, of course, had no memory of her adventures in the land of Oz. Koizumi had speculated that Haruhi had no wish to return to the real world while she could remember Oz; she had therefore subconsciously annihilated the event from everything but the minds of the SOS Brigade and the President of the Computer Research, who upon questioning had claimed that he must have been hallucinating due to chronic lack of sleep.

The next week, Kyon found Haruhi sitting at the window sill of the SOS club room, gazing out at the grey November sky as if it had caused her great personal injury. For a split-second, Kyon thought he heard a sob emerge from Haruhi's down-turned mouth, but the sound was muffled by the sound of the first drops of rain, which smoothly transitioned from shower to downpour.

The drops hit the window with a will, and with every impact, the world seemed to become a little darker. The insistent tapping of rain on the roof gave way to pounding, as Haruhi's shoulder's rose, and her head fell forward to rest against the glass.

Kyon slowly sat down next to Haruhi, who made room for him without acknowledging his presence otherwise. He looked at her face, and was filled with fear, concern, and something else. What was it?

_Oh. That again._

If somebody had asked Kyon if the rain had stopped the instant his hand touched hers, he would have denied it, and perhaps he would be right. Perhaps it was just a simple coincidence.

"Hey, look. A rainbow."


End file.
